A Strange Day for the Education Intern

There are those days in all of our lives when we get to experience feeling infinite, immortal even. And it is usually on those very same days when we also experience feeling incredibly helpless, mortal, small.
Any time you go to a new place and experience new things and people you're bound to go through a lot of ups and downs. Let me re-phrase that. One of the things I try to do in all of my classes is encourage everyone to speak for themselves (i.e. I feel, I think, I experienced this, I noticed that). So, I've noticed that when I go to a new place where I experience new things and new people I tend to go through a lot of ups and downs. Today was one of those days where I experienced both sides of the spectrum. It has left me feeling a little . . . lost, but amused.
Last night was opening and at the after party I had a lot of interesting converstations with people about theatre for social change and diversity in this state and in this country. That combined with some conversations I had with my superiors in the education department at the opening party left my head spinning. I went home and chewed on some ideas, and woke up convinced that I needed to make my voice heard on some subjects. So I went to work, spoke up on some ideas I had, and what do you know? I was heard. Isn't that amazing?
I taught my second clown class today. While there were some technical diffficulties (the ipod speaker I bought just before I came here is broken) and while the class had less people in attendance than I would normally like, I got to (finally) really delve into some concepts that I think are important. I was able to really start showing the apprentices what it is that I love so much about clown, and by association theatre. And it was amazing! It was fantastic! I learned so much about myself as a teacher and about them as people. And best of all? They had fun. They loved it! It was one of those moments that makes you feel like you're flying. It was one of those moments that makes you feel like you have touched the immortal.
Afterwards we did concessions and we listened to the symposium speakers, and that was great. Lots of new information, lots of ideas, lots more problems that I feel it is up to people like me to fix. And of course I have no idea how. But on a day like today, you just feel like maybe it's possible. Maybe it is possible for my generation to fix what's wrong with the whole system of marriage. Maybe it's possible for my generation to fix equality in the work place. Maybe my generation can fix family values in society. Maybe I can be a part of that. Maybe theatre is, or can be, or will be a key element in fixing those problems.
So I leave the theatre feeling high as a kite and yet that the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but optimistic none the less, and what happens? I have a flat tire. Great. I have to wait for the AAA guy to come and put my spare on because I don't have a tire iron. So that happens, I'm driving back my gimpy car to Fairfield, and I decide that this crappy situation means that I am intitled to some Arby's. So I pull into the Arby's, I place the order, I get to the window, the guy gives me my drink, I give him my money and I drive away. It's not until I've gone about 2 more miles that I realize I have driven off without my food. Now I don't know how many people are aware of this, but as interns at the Westport Country Playhouse we don't get paid very much. I am no longer in college, I am almost 25, I am no longer supported by my parents, so I can't call mom and ask for money when I need a new tire. So I was already calculating if I had enough money to buy a new tire, when I realize that I have just wasted 6 of my hard earned dollars on food that I drove off without.
You know what I did next?
I laughed.
I laughed all the way back to my house, all the way up the stairs, and laughed while telling the girls up stairs my tale of stupidity. So I thought, what the heck, lets continue the splurge.
I ordered chinese while we watched the second season of Weeds on DVD, then we went to the $4 movie theatre and saw Iron Man (my second time). Just an all around good night of hanging out with some people who I am really enjoying getting to know.
We were walking out of the movie theatre when my body decided it wanted to bring me back to earth yet again. I have what we would call a trick leg. My left ankle is fused at 90 degrees, and while normally this doesn't effect me (other than the fact that I can't wear high heels) sometimes it likes to remind me that I am not super woman. So tonight as this group of us are walking back to the house, I have to do what I never do, what I loathe to do, call attention to the fact that I am not perfect. "Hey guys, I'm having a problem, can we walk a little slower?" I opperate under a strict policy that I do not use my ankle as an excuse under any circumstances. I don't like to show pain, just like I rarely ever cry in front of people. So tonight I had to show weakness. Tonight I had to show mortality.
I don't understand why it should bother me so much when it is the human in us that brings us together. It is our mortality that makes us all the same. It is how we connect. It is how we endear ourselves to each other. I love the humanity I find in the people around me. Why would I ever hold myself to a different standard?
All this to say, that at the end of the night, I've hit another high. I've just realized that tomorrow I will be spending several hours in the same room with Joanne Woodward and Christopher Walken. The apprentices are going to be watching the rehearsal for Arsenic and Old Lace tomorrow and I get to be with them. Tomorrow, once again, this glorious opportunity that we call an internship is going to allow me to do something amazing. Tomorrow, for a short time, I get to brush against immortalty. So for tonight, I am going to close my eyes and breathe deeply. Maybe in my dreams the answers to all the heavier questions of today will be answered, but for right now I'm just going to breathe.

~ Laura (Roux)