And now for something completely different

I’m pretty confident in myself. Sure there’s the whole social anxiety thing but once I get used to a place and its people that tends to let up a little. I am uncomfortable around men. I just am. I don’t know the reason for it, but I just have trouble completely relaxing in the company of men. It’s something that has gotten better in the past few years. I know who I am, I know what I am good at, I know that I am intelligent and well educated, and I have confidence in that intelligence and education. At the same time I am not ashamed when there are things I don’t know. I am human, and while I am well educated, it’s just not possible for me to know everything. I like to learn new things and explore new possibilities, new ways of thinking. I don’t mind, when in conversation with people, admitting that I don’t know what someone is referencing, saying I’ve never heard of a topic, a person, a piece of music, a type of food. As such, while I may question my worth in beauty on occasion, I don’t usually question my worth in personality, humor, intelligence.
And yet . . . there are some men out there that take my feet out from underneath me. My friend Kat never seems to have this problem. She can enter into intellectual debate on any topic with any person. She seems to get better at it and enjoy it more when she is having this debate with someone she likes. I like strong personalities, she’s one of them. Normally I am not so bad at this sort of debate myself. I was vice president of the speech and debate team in high school after all. For some reason, despite my knowledge of my own self worth, on occasion I meet a man that makes me feel like I don’t know what I am talking about no matter what subject we are on. These men are rare, but they are out there. They have this effect on me through no fault of their own, but none the less, they are there. It just sucks that these are usually the men I find myself most drawn to. So basically I get drawn to them, and then I can’t speak around them.
I live with a bunch of girls, so there has been plenty of relationship talk throughout the summer. The majority of us are single, so that leads to lots of conversations about what we want: Out of a man, out of a relationship, out of life. I went to an all women’s college, so I’m used to these situations, I’m used to there being a lot of estrogen in the room. It’s not all we talk about. We talk much more about theatre, and art and life. But on occasion we talk about boys. Last night was one of those times. Three girls, sitting around, talking about relationships till ungodly hours of the night, and then watching girly movies. I love nights like that. I love expressing my femininity and bonding with other women. I do not think this makes us weak, on the contrary, I think it is our bonds with each other that makes us strong as women.
One of the greatest parts of working at this theatre is that it is run by some very strong, outstanding women. With Anne, Joanne, and Jodi at the helm this theatre has weathered storm after storm. These women are remarkable, unbelievable. They were a big part of my decision making process in coming here. I was doing research on this theatre and said to myself “wow, look at that. 3 women are at the head of this place. That is just fantastic” and then I get here and I meet Debra at the head of the education department. That woman . . . inspires awe in me. Marcia’s head of Devo, Ruth’s taking care of everything on the production end, and so many other strong, talented women giving their all (and that’s a heck of a lot) to make this theatre become the best that it can be. That is incredibly refreshing. I just can’t express enough how wonderful that is, as a young woman, to come and see this many incredible women running the place.
This world has come a long way. This society has come a long way. The tides are changing and will continue to change. I would like to be one of those outstanding female leaders. I want to be an outstanding leader because I am a woman. I want to be outstanding because of who I am, not just because I am a woman. I want to lead American theatre to a new greatness. I want to be an important part of that. It’s because of women like the ones at this theatre paving the way that I am able to believe that is possible.
And yet . . . every once in a while, I meet a man who makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about. What does that mean? He’s not being a block head, he’s not trying to put me down as a woman, he’s not trying to do anything to me. He was just trying to have a conversation. But because I really dig the guy, I am suddenly unable to stand on my own two feet around him. Does this happen to anybody else? Did any of the women I just mentioned above ever experience this? Do any of them still experience it? I have trouble believing any of them do.
So I guess I’m just going to have to struggle through, and do my best to keep my footing. I’m old enough to be able to figure out how to do that, right?
~ Laura (Roux)